Oh I should, should I?

Bugs Bunny and $5,000 coffee tables

Last night I started working a new part-time job.  Without going into company details that could get me into some trouble, the job involves me assisting at auctions and mingling with lots of drunk rich people.  Though my co-workers and most of the people I helped with the auction were perfectly fine, I had an attack of confidence last night that knocked me off my feet.

The whole night, I kept saying to myself “I should be happier about this shitty job.  I should be making more money.  I should stick with it.  I should stop whining.  I should feel better!”

By the end of the night, I had drunk impatient creepers (with no personal space apparently) telling me to up their bid to $5,000 for a damn coffee table just because they saw that Joe Schmoe on the other side of the room had outbid him.  I wish I had a better poker face.  With a flu-bug and after 6 hours on my feet without a break, I was getting delirious.  Also, the auction was serving the most bizarre collection of food we weren’t allowed to touch (whole carrots with the leaves {so there were lots of people walking around like Bugs Bunny}, sausage, and oversized soft pretzels.  And everyone seemed to be walking a giant fluffy dog.)  I started to think my fever had gotten out of control and I was high.  I then went home and tried to figure out if I had enough money for a decent dinner.  I was a weeee bit frustrated.  So I had hummus with Ben and a can of $1.59 Honey Brown (delicious), and then I think I figured out the problem…and so…another rainy day blog post.

Should Should Should

It wasn’t until I met Ben that I realized how many times I used the words, “I should…”   Ben always had a response that I at first was really confused by and I thought was an extension of his acting teacher’s philosophy.  He would always say, “Oh yes? You should?”  Bewildered, I usually answered,”Uuuhh…Yes…I should.”  He eventually explained, and it really changed the way I spoke to myself.  “Should” sure is putting a hell of a lot of pressure on yourself.   Replacing “should” with “I’d like to” or “It would awesome if…” and so on, takes a real load off your shoulders.

For example, I would constantly say:

“I SHOULD be doing more yoga.”

“I SHOULD be doing as much theatre as that person I’m reading about on facebook.”

“I SHOULD eat something other than spoonfuls of  Nutella while writing blog posts.”

Now I’m not saying that having goals or discipline about these things aren’t important, but there must be a healthier way.  I have a lot of random jobs I jump around between, most of which allow me to meet a lot of new people.  And the biggest thing I have come across are artists saying that they don’t feel like they are doing enough or that they are trying to do more to change things.  Which in a way, is all well and good.  I say these things too, and I understand the importance of pushing yourself farther and constantly growing.  Sometimes you don’t have a choice.

But I also noticed that more people than ever have the flu or some form of it.  I have been fighting off a nasty bug, antibiotics and all, for a few weeks.  I’m sure there are many things we could blame going on in the world for the general sense of exhaustion with everyone, but whatever it is, I think we all deserve a break, at least from our own heads. I can’t help but feel that a lot of people I know, including myself, have a bad case of “trying to catch up” this year.  Not quite sure how to exactly do that(there would be  many more blog posts about food I cook if I did), but I do have something new I am using to help while I am doing all that catching up.

Ambition without dropping dead

In college, I used to get so frustrated by the idea that the dedication to your art was measured by a masochistic pride of how little you had slept.   Or if you managed to direct, take 20 credits, not eat dinner, be in 3 shows, work at admissions, AND find time to be the school mascot (Drew had a mascot?), you were clearly a shoe-in for a scholarship!  I’m sure it wasn’t just in the arts either.  I hear this from so many people my age out of school now too.  And I don’t know who decided that teaching ambition without health was a good idea.

So what am I ranting about?  Give yourself a break if you can, because I’m here with the flu unable to do everything I think I “should” be doing because I said “should” too much.  Even if you can’t quit your crappy job right now or afford to take a day off, maybe let go of a few small things a day.   Slowly replacing “should” with something more productive has really been helping.  So thanks Ben:)  I kinda like you a lot.

So I would LIKE tell you more about my plans to start a food blog soon.  But instead, I’m going to take a bath, listen to Norah Jones, and eat some more Nutella.

Love to all those who need a break.  Hope everyone gets healthy soon and thanks for reading:)

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