Bit of a dreary day today, and not just because of the weather. I had one of those cursed mornings that started me off of the wrong foot, and then the next ten wrong feet. Sure, that makes sense. In a span of two hours my cat ate my breakfast, my metro card broke, my stockings ripped, and my lunch spilled all over my purse. I then had two hours to sit in a windowless hallway waiting for an audition sign-up. There was no bathroom in the building which didn’t help the whole “covered in orzo pasta thing.” Then they decided to bleach the floors. More awesome. After the audition, I headed to work where I am temporarily assisting the preparation for a conference. I made it home in one piece, more or less.
By the end of the day, my head was spinning because of all the different roles I realized I have to play this week. I officially have seven jobs. Seven. And each week their schedules change. Sometimes I work all of them, some weeks I work none. It’s a real hoot. But it got me thinking about how odd it is that I am qualified to be an event planner, babysitter, art/science teacher, auctioneer, secretary, or financial assistant with a degree in theatre. Background actor is the seventh “job,” but any person who can walk and basically function on a normal social level (not always a requirement!) can be an extra.
For a while now I’ve wanted to write what I have ACTUALLY been required to do at these odd jobs and internships I’ve had throughout the years. Obviously I won’t list companies, that would be shady and possibly never get me hired anywhere again, but I will generalize….
My real resume…..
About as Liberal Arts as You Can Get University
BA in Intro Class to Everything
Post Graduate Studies: Figuring out the Sallie Website, Walking Across Spain
Brief Food Service, just long enough to move into NYC and not tell off a customer (well, almost!)
- Trained legs to stand for 8 hours, fueled by sugar and endless free coffee
- Perfected mopping, dish-washing skills, and dustbusting skills
- Counseled guilty corporate types while breaking their diets
- Invented new mixed flavored coffee drinks…fun with the syrup bottles!
- Experimented and compared noises of different stale cupcakes when thrown against the floor
Various Temping Positions, day to day, sometimes even for two consecutive days if lucky
- Ability to word emails and answer phones without sounding like an asshole
- Can do mindless repetitive actions without losing sanity, AKA: data entry
- Can organize a file cabinet like a beast
- Can fix any copy machine by whacking it
- Once covered a giant room in post-it notes
Elementary Art Teacher,ever since I learned I’d rather work with toddlers than serve adults food
- Expert hot-gluer, especially when student’s craft crumbles seconds before dismissal
- Trained in the “I will wait until you stop talking” passive-aggressive approach to classroom management
- Willing to toss detailed lesson plans to the wind when kindergartners are more in the mood for general rolling on the floor. Hey, sometimes you gotta roll on the floor.
- Ability to teach an enrichment class when teachers or parents decide to have last minute coffee talk in your classroom
- Once pretended I was a turtle while walking through the Upper East Side
Babysitter, should have started sooner
- Can create craft project out of ANYTHING
- Trained in Grover voice
- Willing to be covered in soap, chalk, water, food, mud, etc.
- Know the Mickey Mouse Hot Dog Dance song by heart
and last but not least…
Actor, since I was eight
- Willing to pretend I am pretty much anything during an audition, even a windsock. Or a bear.
- Fine with sitting in hallways, on sidewalks, in packed churches for 6 + hours for possible unpaid work
- Have a played man, frog, old woman, nun, drug addict, mythical creature, flower, snowflake, blind girl, bottle dancer, Lady Gaga (who turned into a bush…oh children’s tours.)
- Flashmobbing in Times Square: pretended I was a trained hip-hop dancer for 48 hours
- Can survive “Singers who move well” auditions
Special section for…
Background Actor, much more before I joined the union
(all the following descriptions are real by the way)
- Types: Student, Non-Descript Pedestrian, Hipster, Hamptonite, 60’s teenager, Time Square Party attendee, Working class Irish Immigrant, Bread Company CEO Assistant
- Not these types (yes, these are real): Homeless, Cab-driver, NYPD, Bottom of the barrel prostitute (straight off of casting networks!), mental institution patients, Edgy LES Hipters with tattoos, Gay Bears with Cars (me and Ben’s personal favorite!), Jersey Shore Types, Corpse
- Will sit in waiting forever and not bitch, Crafty will help though.
And thus ends my somewhat bitter rant on my current job situation. I’m sure one day I will look back on this time and be pretty proud and thankful that I learned to make a mean excel spreadsheet or know how to work an espresso machine. I even handed out free coffee at a gas station once. The important thing is that for the most part, I have made ends meet and paid my bills somewhat on time. And more importantly, I have met so many people in such a short amount of time from all walks of life. Someday it’ll all make sense.
Please add your favorite stories if this inspires any healthy or comical ranting.